I'm never taking a nap again.

What the hell is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?!?!

This is the second time in a row where I have taken a nap and then woken up 100% pissy and I have no idea why!!! It's like those extra hours of sleep detract from my happiness or my kindness or my TOLERANCE, I guess. Someone says the tiniest thing, and I get sooo angry!!

I have no idea what's wrong with me. Christmas was great. But right now, I just don't care.

I really should go to bed now. Goodnight.

PS I Love You

It's the last day of school before Winter Break, and I'm really excited. It's terrible of me, but I am SOOO ready to get out of here and just live MY life for a few weeks instead of worrying about everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But I'm sick of people commenting on my relationship with Kellie. I'm sick of everyone saying that they never get to see their significant other when they have the chance to do so every single day, in school. I'm lucky if I get to see Kellie for more than five minutes every other day. That's why I beg her to come to school clubs - so I can spend time with her, time I otherwise wouldn't have. I love her. I really and truly do.

She almost left me last night. After she saw that note from Jonathan in my journal and just left out of the club. Once Poetry had ended, I came out and there she was, sitting at a table with Danielle. Naturally, because it's me, I had an absolute meltdown. We got into it bad, her saying that she wasn't going to put up with it anymore, me trying to control her. I'm really not trying to control her. I just despise Danielle. That girl has done entirely too much to me, to Kellie, to Britt, to everyone she associates with. SHE is the one with whom Brittany cheated on me, then left me. It was HER who tried to convince Kellie to leave me. She has never had a problem lying to me, either. I can never forgive her, as much as she begs. It's not in me. I just can't believe that she deserves it. Of course, there's also Britt. I'm excited about not having to see her over break. I plan on delivering her gift, but only when she's at her dad's so that I don't have to deal with her. The way she said it this morning, "Oh, what about my gift?" Yeah, well, Britt, you didn't get me SHIT so why should I get YOU anything? But of course, I've never mattered enough to her for her to get me a gift, as much as she whined and complained about how I wouldn't talk to her anymore and it was all her fault and blahblahblah. That thing with the icing? Where I wouldn't lick it off her finger, and she said that I didn't do it because I have a girlfriend that doesn't know how to have fun. I wanted to say, "No, I'm just not a cheater anymore. How about you? Do you still cheat on a regular basis like you did once upon a time?" Because I don't care anymore. I can't handle trying to balance her "woe is me" attitude.

I don't know. Sunday I plan on delivering those gifts which I have yet to. I am going to see PS I Love You with Kayla tomorrow because we both discovered that amazing novel at around the same time. Then, either when Kayla's gone or when she comes back, Sydney, Josh, Kellie, possibly Kellie, and me are going to see Sweeney Todd!! I can't wait - Johnny Depp being a singing, homicidal barber? HECK YES!!!!

I wish all of you a very happy holiday. I will be thinking of everyone on New Year's, remember all that has been done for me. I love my friends, and I love my family. Everyone needs a little break once in a while. That's what Christmas is for. :-D

Just Another Manic Monday

Heya, my few and current readers!!!! How's life? Good, good. Bet it's going a little smoother than mine!

Ugh. I have sooo much stress right now, but I'm trying to just pretend it's not there. It's not working, of course, but it's worth a shot.

Soooo my weekend!! Pretty uneventful. Josh is home (my best friend's boyfriend, and my good friend)!!!!!!!!!! Home from Chapel Hill, and boy, did I miss him. He's been there for me through a lot, and I love him to death. Sydney and he better get married (they've been together almost 2 and a half years, so I can see it). He came over, we played a game (SceneIt).

I had to get my Senior Project outline in today. Actually, it was due more than a week ago, but my advisor and I had momentary communication issues. God, my topic is particularly boring, yet interesting. It's War Protest Poetry, which I think is a really cool topic, but delving into it for an 8-10 page paper is kind of kicking my ass. I hate Senior Project. I haven't any idea how it helps me with the real world. I'm just writing a paper about something I'm not exactly fascinated in and making a product that I would've made anyway (a portfolio of all my work).

I really wish more people were willing to go on the Senior Trip in June, but all of my friends suck. They just want to stay in this little bo-hunk town and not have tons of fun with me and my beautiful baby (thanks, guys, cough cough). I actually can't wait until the trip. I mean, 4 days with my baby in Florida, having a blast? Heck yes!!! I just hope it's not the two of us going.

I miss her. All the time, actually. I wish I could see her more often. On the 28th, I'll be staying with her at her cousin Audrey's house, where we shall get partially snockered and attack each other in a very good way. XDXDXD I do love her, though. Since things can't get much worse between us, considering my mother's insistence that we can't see each other "until we tell the truth", Kellie and I are finally considering telling my parents that we are thinking about dating. "We didn't do it, out of respect for your wishes, but now that you don't seem to care that much, we're considering dating." God, I hope it works and Mama lets me start seeing her again. She's coming with me to Greensboro, you know. And she already bought my engagement ring...$1800, which is entirely too much. But I love her. I know it hasn't been that long, only 9 months, but we've been in love for a year and a half! I just want to be with her. I know it's what I want.

I have figured out why I don't feel nearly as guilty for kissing Jonathan as I did for kissing Britt. First of all, it was the intensity. Jonathan just kissed me. Britt made out with me all night. It aslso has something to do with my own emotions. I felt most guilty ab0ut Britt because I knew that she didn't love me. She was just using me. But knowing that Jonathan really does love me is making it easier for me to not reveal what happened...Is that good or bad?

Yeah well. Whatevs. XD Thanks for all your support!!!

A Valentine. :-D

Thanks to Edgar Allan Poe for creating this format.
12/14/07 12:28pm

Kiss me.
Bend those silly societal rules
of love, just this once.
Falling for you could
possibly be the
greatest work of fate
Seen in centuries.
The choice wasn't mine, but
please know that
you're my star, my one.
I'm home when I'm in your arms.
With passion and immortality,
I remain forever yours.

Missing you....

Turk had 6 tumors. One had completely eaten away one of his lungs (that's why he couldn't stop panting). Another had blocked off his nerves (that's why he could barely walk). We had to put him to sleep last night, which hurt so much more than I wish it did....I've randomly burst into tears for the past 24 hours, missing that dog. He did so much for me. He would walk with me to Poppy's in the dark when I was too afraid to go by myself. He would cuddle up to me whenever I cried and let me cling to him. He put up with a six-year-old boy and a 1-year-old puppy (my sister's) with such ease. He protected us. I remember when mama and daddy were having a play fight, and mama shouted "help, turk, save me!". He looked so lost, like "He's my owner, but he's hurting my other owner!" So he bit daddy, lightly. It was sweet because it proved that if a stranger tried to hurt one of us, Turk would fight relentlessly for us. I keep looking at the picture I use as a bookmark, the one of Turk and Lachlan sleeping because Lachlan fell asleep on Turk's bed, so Turk just laid with him and put a protective paw over him...He was the best dog anyone could EVER ask for, and I will continue to love him deeply. Mama said we can order a headstone for him. "He dedicated 11 years of his life to the military, so he deserves a proper headstone," she says. I agree.

I still remember when I first saw him. He was brought to the Coast Guard station in July 1995, when I was five years old. Not 4 months later, Granny, my dad's mom, passed away. Daddy started spending most of his time at the station to get his mind off things. Turk definitely helped him get through that hard time. He's always been there, always been so good to everyone around him. He was dignified and playful and adorable and protective all at once, and I loved him so much for it.

Daddy wants to get a new dog at some point, which is understandable. After we buried Turk, dad stayed outside, talking to him, more than 30 minutes after the rest of us had gone inside. I don't really want a new dog. If they get one, I hope they wait until I've left. I can't handle another dog around - there is no other dog for me.

Maybe I'm being overdramatic. Like Wesley once said, "It's just a dog". But he wasn't just a dog. He was my best friend, my big brother, and my pet last.

I love you, Turk...

1995~2007

you know you missed me.

So I'm back from my ever-eventful trip. The Woodrow Wilson museum was kind of dull, but the restaurant afterwards was really nice. They had at least 15 different hot teas to choose from, which I loved. The motel was terrifying. XD There was no civilization for at least a quarter-mile, and it was isolated up on a big hill. At the bottom of the hill was a fence with barbed wire, so the entire time, people discussed the fact that we were all going to die. :-D This theory was furthered when my group (Sydney, Rachel B., Rachel K., and I) opened our room's door, and saw a huge water stain on our ceiling, narrow and about six feet long....MURDER I SAY!!! It proved interesting at first, but we were very serious when we made Mrs. Jarvis and Mrs. Murray switch rooms with us. XD

The first night was the play, which was pretty darn amazing. There was a ridiculously attractive boy that sang "Mr. Brightside" better than Brandon Flowers...Gawd, I wanted him!!!!! His character actually had to CHANGE in front of me, and I almost keeled over in excitement, much to the amusement of all those around me. Brittany was about to fall out of her seat, she was laughing so hard at me. It was pretty amusing, I guess, until daddy got mad at me. He yelled at me for being "enthusiastic", which pissed me off. I told him so, too - when was the last time I was excited about anything?! I mean, I've been so blaahhh for ages, so he should've been glad I was so excited about something!! He later apologized and bought me a t-shirt that said "We do it with the lights on", so all was forgiven. I also wanted the t-shirt with all the different pick-up lines, such as "if thou hast sinned, teach me" and "thy instrument's well tuned" and "Let's take this a button-hole lower". XDXDXD

That evening wasn't very much fun. All the girls went to Tim Vinick's room, and as much as I wanted to join them, I didn't go because Allison was having her little breakdown because she found out that Ian has been lying to her about spending time with other girls. Whatever, they're back together because Allie is an NAIVE LITTLE GIRL who refuses to face the fact that he lied several times, and nothing is going to change that, and she'll never believe another word he says. I told her that when he does it again, I am NOT going to be there for her again. I CAN'T do that to myself! I have enough shit in my life without wasting my time, breath, and words. She won't listen, so what good could it do? Garrr sorry, I just got into a text argument with her.

Next day was the Monticello tour. It was so beautiful, and I loved the way he set up his house! There was this awesome bed set-up where the bed was right between two rooms, and right above was his closet...there's a pic at http://theneoteric.net/pix/monticello2.jpg so check it out!!!

Bus ride had plenty of tears, all coming from allison. I missed kellie the whole trip, but allie didn't care. Whatever, I don't care. Sat with Brittany for about 20 minutes, talked about our significant others. She makes me so angry...Danielle told Kellie that Britt cheated on me with D, which can be skeptical because Danielle said it. But turns out, Britt told Jonathan about it...So it's undeniable. Which makes me cry sometimes, the fact that she's an absolute liar.

I let Jonathan kiss me yesterday. I hate myself, and I very severely want to kill myself. Kellie deserves a million times better. I should've stopped him, but I didn't. Now I can barely look at him, I'm so ashamed of myself. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. If I tell her...She will leave me...I told Jonathan that it would be the last kiss probably for the rest of our lives, and he seemed to understand. I don't know...

My dog, Turk, might get put down today. He's been in a ton of pain the past few weeks, and it hurts me to see him, so maybe it's for the best. I know it is, but it will hurt so badly....I love my doggy....I've had him for 12 years!!!

I'm ready to die now. Bye!

Goodbye, My Lovers!!!

So I'm not going to be here for the next 4 days (2-day field trip plus weekend), and I figured I would say ADIOS, MI MUCHACHOS!!!!

Okay, anyways. :-D I was really throw-uppy sick all yesterday, which sucked royally. I managed to come in for the Beta meeting after school because I had promised Miss Person I would. Surprisingly, the thing lasted no more than half an hour, so sneaky little me, I went to Kellie's house for an hour. Nothing happened - I was so sleepy, and I missed her so desperately...We decided to take a nap, and she was able to hold me for the first time in several weeks. I had forgotten how much I need it to feel special and loved. I didn't want to leave, not for a moment, but I didn't have much of a choice. I'm just glad I was able to be held by my baby. I'm going to really miss her for the next 4 days. Daddy's chaperoning the trip, so I won't be able to arbitrarily call her when I miss her (which is always).

I know that Jonathan will miss me, which is both a fear and a relief. I like knowing that no matter what I do, someone will always love me. It's really selfish, actually, and I acknowledge that. I could treat the boy like scum and he would still adore me. It's almost like I'm taking advantage of his foolish affection for me. At least it's not like it was summer of 2006 when all I did was be physical with him because I wanted someone to love me. Every time I went to his house, that was all I wanted to do. I didn't want him to talk to me, I didn't want a conversation or to be held. I just wanted to...forget. Pretend that all the pain that Britt put me through had never existed.

I love knowing that I have my BabyAngelLove now, and she's all I need. I don't even especially think about Britt and get sad anymore. She's just another person that broke my heart. Trust me - there were plenty.

This was actually written November 28th at 9:22 pm. I e-mailed it to myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore! Sometimes, I miss Jonathan. I miss the constant affection, the undying love, having someone always be around. He walked me to my car after school today, and I almost kissed him...

BUT NO! I am so very much in love with Kellie!!! When I think about leaving her, even for a little while...I started crying just a moment ago, and that's why I started writing.

I broke up with her once. She said that she was going to kill herself, and if someone stopped her, she would just move to Maryland and I would never see her ever again. I want to be with her, I do! I'm just so afraid of hurtng her. I want so much in life, and I can't have all of it, and that KILLS me, I don't understand why! Most people would feel so blessed to have someone like Kellie in his or her life, someone so unconditionally in love, so giving, so affectionate, so perfect.

But i've never been good at "long-distance", even if she is down the street. I miss seeing her, miss her holding me. I want her back, and I haven't stopped thinking so negatively since this whole thing happened. I didn't think about kissing Jonathan, being with him instead. The things he tells me don't help either. About how half the time, he can't stand Leeanne, and sometimes he imagines me just so they can be physical "to make her happy".

I just want my baby back, the way things used to be, when i wasn't so scared all the time...




PS--Bethany, I know you read this. Part of me is thinking that I'm an idiot for telling anyone the URL. but pleasepleaseplease, I'm trusting you with every ounce of trust I have. Don't disappoint me...

Existence

That title makes this post seem a lot more philosophical than it's going to be. I'm not one for deep thought - well, I am, but mostly it's deep thought into emotions and such, not so much the meaning of life.

I feel like I'm just existing day by day. There are a million things that I need to do, so I do them. There to used to be double that amount of things I wanted to do...but not anymore, for some reason. All I want to do is finish my homework, do well in my classes, and sleep....Plus see Kellie. God, I miss her so much. Ever since Mama and Daddy have "forbidden" me from seeing her...Everything hurts so much worse than it should. I see her for a random five or ten minutes a day, if I'm lucky, which isn't often. Then at night, she wants to talk on the phone, but I can't because I have school the next day. It's ridiculous.

Logic tells me that I should leave...But my heart won't let me. I know that I should take care of myself first and foremost, have my future set as far in stone as I can. But...I love her. So much. Part of me wants to live a little bit before I tie myself down. It's like..I know that I want to spend my life with her. But I'm not ready to start that life yet. That doesn't make any sense, I know. Maybe I'm just being selfish by wanting to have a little fun before I dedicate my forever to someone else. Or maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to let her go...I would want her to wait for me, but I could never expect that of anyone.

I like to tell myself that life is just like a book or a movie, and that if we are separated for some amount of time, the two of us will see other people and lead good lives, but eventually, we'll find each other again and spend the rest of our lives together. The cynical part of me, though, tells me that this romantic fantasy is pretty off-base. If I let her go, I better be prepared to say goodbye for good, because she deserves a million times better than some girl who wants to have at least a few years of party time without being in a relationship with her. She's perfect...She's everything I ever wanted. But that doesn't count for much anymore, does it? Us kids, we want it all - a good time as well as a storybook romance. I know that in the end, I will have to pick just one...But why can't I have both? Just let me blow off a few years of ignorance and frivolity, and then ask me to marry you! She's already ordered my engagement ring...I feel trapped, like there's no way I could tell her no. I really do want to be with her, you know. I just don't want to just yet....

Lord, please let me figure myself out...

Fear

I'm kind of afraid to start a blog. I mean, if I tell any of my friends, they'll automatically want to know the URL, and then they'll read it as often as they remember.

Thing is, if that happens, I'll never be able to be honest again...I will have to watch every word I type so that no one gets offended or hurt. That kind of defeats the purpose of a blog, doesn't it?

I don't know what to do with this yet. Maybe it'll just be my writing, or maybe I'll only tell a select few about it....Who knows?

I'll update you once I figure it out.