I give up.

I can't feel my own body. Every new development makes my blood run cold and I'm left feeling weak, unable to stand anymore. I can't feel my legs. My arms. My heart....He's on her side. I know that he is. Yes, I overreacted, but I was 100% sincere in trying to be her friend. I'm sick of putting everything into my relationships and just being used or ignored. It seems to mean nothing to him, my pain.

I hate myself so much. I want to die. I feel so useless, so disgusting. This is why I have a low self-esteem, goddamnit! I can't do anything right, EVER. Why am I like this? Why can't I love myself, trust that he won't leave me for her? I hate her right now. But not more than I hate myself. He deserves a million times better, some girl who is sure of herself and doesn't want to go find a fucking blade and go back to her old ways. I am nothing. I just make him miserable. Why the fuck is he even with me?

I give up.

Wingless

I read Vagina Monologues recently. It was really awe-inspiring for me. I laughed, I cried...all that good stuff. Definitely a book that I want to own it as soon as I can. It really made a difference to me. I decided to write a poem about rape, and I did. I really like how it turned out.

Wingless
April 29, 2008 11:05 am


Crushed butterfly
in his greedy, grabbing hands,
destroying the metamorphosis
from child to a woman.
No consequence
but his satisfaction,
no spirit to leave behind.
Lives continue
where no soul lingers,
no sense of survival
except to survive.

Butterflies cannot dream
when there is nothing more –
when transformation
is mutilation,
whose will to breathe
can remain essential?

One can only fly so far
when ripped from isolation
before the sun has shown through
to the customs of the sky.
Small wings give twice the effort
for half of the result,
but it takes more endurance
than one has amassed
to escape the grasp
of ruthless intentions.

The devastation
of pleasure and virtue
is silent,
reminiscent
of the flutter
of butterfly wings.




[[[One in four of every butterfly will have her wings torn away.]]]

Typewriter

So I got an antique typewriter as an early birthday present. I ridiculously love it. XD I feel like a real writer. To break it in, I decided to be all inspired and stuff. Soooooo I wrote this.

It makes me think of Jonathan. :)


Typewriter
April 19, 2008 8:50 pm

Antiquity and lace
leaves a woman wistful
in the throes of timeless passion
in a search for something new.
There’s that everlasting something
she can find in no one,
but isn’t the point of trying
to prove statistics untrue?

I could dance away for hours,
allow all the forevers,
let them speak sweet nothings
which will never follow through.
But morning is inescapable,
and so is forgetting the painful,
that in every face I look for love,
I’m really looking for you.

Goodbye My Lover

I don't even know how to write any of this. I have been avoiding the situation entirely, as much as I need to think things through. My life is......nothing I even vaguely understand.

I've been doing so much self-speculation lately. But...maybe I'm OVERthinking things...I have no idea what I want anymore, or if i want everything, or nothing, or something. It's all just a deep blur.

I reached a general conclusion that that I'm straight. I couldn't just...lead Kellie on. So I told her. I told her Sunday, the day we set aside for both of us to work on our relationship.......I took her home afterwards, and she just cried...So hard, for so long. It hurt me to see those tears roll down her face. I wanted to hold her and take it back, say I didn't mean it...But I don't know what I mean anymore. i don't know who I am, if I love her the way she needs me to. I'm at the point where I haven't the slightest idea what I want out of life.

I started a list of reasons to stay with her, and reasons to leave her. I'm still at a loss for what I should do. I don't know what is my head and what is my heart - the voices combine together and leave me even more confused than when i started. She's given me until March 21st to decide. This is the first day of Spring Break, and if I don't choose her, she will be going back to Maryland that week. God, I don't want her to leave....Or do I?? I have no idea what I want!!!!!!

I've been spending a loty of time with Jonathan lately. I think I want to be with him at times, but other times I can't stand the idea. Why does nothing make sense anymore? I'm starting to miss the "good ol' days" when no one even looked in my direction, let alone loved me...

Dear Lord, please let me make sense of my life...

My weekend...

Wow. Um. I don't know if I can post this, or if I'm willing...

Kellie proposed to me Friday night. Of course, I said yes. I love her. I really do want to be with her. We'll reach 1 year in about a month. A lot of people say that I'm jumping into this too fast, and I probably am. I know this. But whatever happened to "live for the moment"? Right now, this moment, I want to spend my life with her. I love her so much, and she's done so much just to make me happy. We had reached the point about 2 months ago where I finally had to tell her, "I'm not happy, Kellie." So she changed. She got an anger management teacher whom she could call whenever she needed to so that when we fought, she would know how to cope and calm down instead of yelling at me. It was the fighting that made me miserable, but we've fixed it a great deal.

Here's the problem. I like to be needed. Jonathan makes me feel needed. So...i really fucked up. I let him do something that came VERYVERYVERY close to making kellie leave me...It was the worst possible thing I could ever do...I hurt myself, i will admit. The first time in about 5 months. But I did. Please don't tell. I'm a million times better right now than I was before, honestly. I'm okay. But she wants to keep doing this. She wants to stay with me, and that means more than I ever thought it could. I would die for that girl, and I know she loves me. I told her that I want her to make me feel more needed. Jonathan always makes me feel like...Like he can't even breathe without me. I want him to be happy, and I could only think of one way to do that. God, i know I already said it, but I really fucked up this time. It's going to take years for her to fully forgive me, if at all. She said she forgives me, but can't really trust me. For a long time. i can never talk to Jonathan again, which I'm okay with...to an extent. I actually miss him. Before the big fuck-up, we had truly started to be best friends. I felt like i could talk to him about anything. Now that's gone...But it wasn't all my fault. Kayla's really mad at him because he took advantage of me. She said that he knows who I am, the type of person I am, and I would do anything to make a friend happy. "All your friends know how fragile you are...and he took advantage of that, Amber. That's not okay." That's what she told me.

I hope things get better.....

Self-Assessment #1

I've been spending a lot of my class time working on my Senior Project. I have officially typed up every single poem i have ever written, which took seventy-two years, but I'm finally done. I'm going to print them all up for my Product, which is a portf0lio of all my stuff. Plus, typing all of them gave me the idea to print up these poems for Graduation gifts to my friends. I'm also writing more modernized poems for those people, so they know how i feel about them now, if that makes any sense. I wrote one for my mom too.

I've also been focusing a lot on that Book Publishing book that will (hopefully) give me necessary info to find a place in that industry. It actually makes me really excited - it includes info on internships and the like.

I want to focus on writing new things. I've been slacking some days because I've been writing my Senior Project paper, and now that I've flubbed up and have to write the whole thing over again, that will most likely keep my focus yet again. I need to do more promo for Ink'd Unknown as well as brainstorm some ideas for my lesson.

I've been speculating, trying to come up with ideas for my portfolio theme. I'm seriously considering angels, like Warrior angels (for war poetry), dark angels (for the sad stuff), and things like that. That's one reason why I want YOU MISS PERSON to get www.deviantart.com unblocked for me, so I can get the pictures. I also wrote a "shadow self" poem in the 10th grade that was written over a picture of an angel that I've always been fond of. I'm tempted to do another "Goddess" theme, but I already did that, and it would be boring for both of us if I did it again. I was totally proud of myself for that, though! :-)

I'm still kind of iffy on the whole "30 minute reading" thing...I don't want anyone to go!!! I could always "invite people" and pretend to be disappointed when no one shows...You'll never know... :-)

I Hate Everything About You.

Joy of joys, can't get enough of the drama in my life. Thursday night was frustrating because at the last minute, Sydney canceled and decided to not go on the trip to the Holocaust museum. I was pretty pissed, because she's always skipping out on me like that. So Kayla went with me instead.

We actually had a really good time on Friday. I feel like Kayla and I reached a new connection level. I mean, she cried at the Vietnam Wall, and I never thought anyone but me would do that among my friends. There was a sweet elderly lady that stopped by me when I did a rubbing of Dewey Allen's name. She asked if I had a name, and when I said yes, she had such a quavering voice as she said, "God bless you, sweetheart, and the sacrifice made."It was so beautiful, and it meant a lot to me. Kayla and I took about a million and a half pictures, which was oodles of fun. XD The museum was really touching for her as well. It was nice sharing that experience with someone. She really cared, which was a good change from all the immature children there.

I was ready to KILL those children. One kid kept jumping in the pool at the WWII memorial, which pissed me off because there were signs and everything. I kind of looked at him and said, "Can't you read?! Stay out of the pool!" Then I told Mrs. Blume. XD I know, it was petty, and I'm probably considered the Senior Snitch, but my Daddy taught me thorough respect for such things as that, and it was simply unacceptable to me. Some boy was whistling the Viagra commercial in the museum too, which was annoying as hell. The biggest thing for me, though, was when we were all crossing the street. An ambulance, with sirens on, was coming down the street. So all the sophomores thought it made perfect sense to run in front of it!!!! It actually had to STOP for a full minute, waiting for all those kids to get across, and they were pretty livid. Kayla, some adult, and I were the only ones who stopped. Man, I would have run them over. That's illegal, not to mention impeding to saving a life.

Saturday night, Kayla, Allie, and I all went ice skating. Allie and Ian broke up (finally), so we were trying to cheer her up. Jonathan, Nate, and LeeAnne (plus her family) were all there too. Yes, I knew, but that's not why I went. I actually had a really good time. It was hilarious to watch Jonathan bust his ass, plus Kayla falling into someone every three seconds. XD If Nathaniel wasn't 13, he'd be really cute with Kayla. Too young though!

Sunday was a big disappointment. I was supposed to go see a movie with Kellie, Kayla, and Sydney. But Kayla got all emotional, babbling about how it's almost Valentine's Day and she's depressed and blah. So she went to go hang out with Lee, and Sydney got angry because I didn't have a car so I couldn't drive myself home. She didn't go to Kellie's at all, just dropped me off. We tried to watch a movie, but things got...bad. I accidentally saved a draft to Jonathan, saying I wanted him to be my first if Kellie and I didn't work out...She found it. I spent half an hour begging her to NOT make me choose, because I made a promise to myself that if I had to choose, I would choose my friends and not her. She finally agreed that I get one more chance. I completely understand - I don't even deserve that. God, I really love her. I lost my promise ring way back and we couldn't find it, but she finally found it at a store on Saturday!! That sucker is back on my finger, and it's like it never left.

What makes me saddest about that text she found is when she said, "And to think I was going to propose to you in four days..." God, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die....I love her so much, and I want to be with her forever. I've never meant it more. We have our petty arguments, but we've been doing really well lately...

Danielle got kicked out of her house. She is currently living with Kellie. There's no counting how longI cried over that. Last night around 4am, she tried to crawl in bed with Kellie. So Kellie got out of the bed. I swear to God, if she tries that again, I will most certainly have something to say. Don't doubt me for a moment.

This is the first day of my life

It's a new semester, but I can barely feel it. I'm in second bell right now, which is my Independent study with Miss Person. God, I hope these sophomores won't be in here every day! They're sooooo loud and obnoxious, and I can't even hear myself type, which sucks because i love that noise.

Things have been so crazy-hectic lately. Kellie and I kind of broke up, but we got back together 15 minutes later. We took a few days not speaking except for a goodnight so we could think about things and what we need to fix. I have to start letting her hang out with Danielle. She's lonely and has no other friends, and I feel like a total bitch for acting so jealous...So yeah. She can hang out with Danielle, i can hang out with Jonathan. But always with a third party, and never on the "same surface" (i.e. couch or chair). God, i hope this works.

I'm scared that I act like that story we read in AP...The story about the woman whose husband dies in a train accident, and at first she's depressed and crying...But then she realizes that she's free.......Then turns out, he didn't die, so she dies of a heart attack when she sees him.

That obviously makes me a shit girlfriend, but i always have been one, so it doesn't matter, does it?

I wrote a new poem and put it on dA, so I guess I'll post it here, too. i'm actually really proud of it. :-)


Broken on the Bricks
January 10, 2008 10:31 pm

Poor little china doll,
shattered on the bricks.
There’s not enough love for you –
impossible to fix.
Even a broken heart
with cracks in one brown eye
can see the truth for what it is,
can ease the urge to cry.

Poor little china doll,
who left you void of grace?
Who couldn’t find that perfect girl
no other could replace?
When the villains of this love song
realize what they’ve done,
your precious porcelain will be dust,
faded with the sun.

Poor little china doll,
take comfort in the thought
that no one knows the real from false,
and love is all for naught.
Recall with fondness all who cared
(though the names are few).
This is the death of beauty –
this is the last of you.

ugly meanings in the things i find beautiful

There's this great band called The Hush Sound, and I really really love them....They have a few songs I truly adore, but this one is my favorite.

The Artist

I know that you’re an artist,
but you’re the hardest one to deal with.
Everything that you conceal
is revealed on your canvas.

You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful.
Do you see the fall is coming?
Come, I’m falling into you.

You perceive all of these things
I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.

You painted me in pastel,
colors that don’t tell of any boldness.
That’s the way you’d love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.

But your eyes are drawn of charcoal
they’re black, they’re so cold, they’re so imperfect.
Because they see a sleeping world,
where waking isn’t worth it.

You perceive all of these things
that I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.........

Tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters.....

Looking for a really freaky, yet really amazing song??? Go for this.

I will have it on a CD as soon as I possibly can.


THE DECEMBERISTS LYRICS

"The Mariner's Revenge Song"

We are two mariners
Our ship's sole survivors
In this belly of a whale
It's ribs are ceiling beams
It's guts are carpeting
I guess we have some time to kill

You may not remember me
I was a child of three
And you, a lad of eighteen
But, I remember you
And I will relate to you
How our histories interweave
At the time you were
A rake and a roustabout
Spending all your money
On the whores and hounds
(oh, oh)

You had a charming air
All cheap and debonair
My widowed mother found so sweet
And so she took you in
Her sheets still warm with him
Now filled with filth and foul disease
As time wore on you proved
A debt-ridden drunken mess
Leaving my mother
A poor consumptive wretch
(oh, oh)

And then you disappeared
Your gambling arrears
The only thing you left behind
And then the magistrate
Reclaimed our small estate
And my poor mother lost her mind
Then, one day in spring
My dear sweet mother died
But, before she did
I took her hand as she, dying, cried:
(oh, oh)

"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave"

It took me fifteen years
To swallow all my tears
Among the urchins in the street
Until a priory
Took pity and hired me
To keep their vestry nice and neat
But, never once in the employ
Of these holy men
Did I ever, once turn my mind
From the thought of revenge
(oh, oh)

One night I overheard
The prior exchanging words
With a penitent whaler from the sea
The captain of his ship
Who matched you toe to tip
Was known for wanton cruelty
The following day
I shipped to sea
With a privateer
And in the whistle
Of the wind
I could almost hear
(oh, oh)

"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave

There is one thing I must say to you
As you sail across the sea
Always, your mother will watch over you
As you avenge this wicked deed"

And then, that fateful night
We had you in our sight
After twenty months at sea
Your starboard flank abeam
I was getting my muskets clean
When came this rumbling from beneath
The ocean shook
The sky went black
And the captain quailed
And before us grew
The angry jaws
Of a giant whale

(oh..)

Don't know how I survived
The crew all was chewed alive
I must have slipped between his teeth
But, oh, what providence
What divine intelligence
That you should survive
As well as me
It gives my heart great joy
To see your eyes fill with fear
So lean in close
And I will whisper
The last words you'll hear
(oh, oh)

Give It Up

I'm at the point where I would give ANYTHING to tell my parents about Kellie and me. I've prepared a million speeches, written a million mental letters. I just want to get it over with!! All I can think is that, if they know the truth, maybe they'll treat her as if she were a boyfriend. I'll be able to hang out with her, let us go on dates. I know we couldn't spend the night together anymore, but I'm honestly okay with that.

But....Kellie thinks that the opposite will happen. They'll never let me see her anymore, and they'll be even more strict on me than they are now, and we'll NEVER get to see each other...I could never bear that. I honestly couldn't. I need her, I love her so very much. She's my one...

God, I hope I can figure it out sometime soon................