My weekend...

Wow. Um. I don't know if I can post this, or if I'm willing...

Kellie proposed to me Friday night. Of course, I said yes. I love her. I really do want to be with her. We'll reach 1 year in about a month. A lot of people say that I'm jumping into this too fast, and I probably am. I know this. But whatever happened to "live for the moment"? Right now, this moment, I want to spend my life with her. I love her so much, and she's done so much just to make me happy. We had reached the point about 2 months ago where I finally had to tell her, "I'm not happy, Kellie." So she changed. She got an anger management teacher whom she could call whenever she needed to so that when we fought, she would know how to cope and calm down instead of yelling at me. It was the fighting that made me miserable, but we've fixed it a great deal.

Here's the problem. I like to be needed. Jonathan makes me feel needed. So...i really fucked up. I let him do something that came VERYVERYVERY close to making kellie leave me...It was the worst possible thing I could ever do...I hurt myself, i will admit. The first time in about 5 months. But I did. Please don't tell. I'm a million times better right now than I was before, honestly. I'm okay. But she wants to keep doing this. She wants to stay with me, and that means more than I ever thought it could. I would die for that girl, and I know she loves me. I told her that I want her to make me feel more needed. Jonathan always makes me feel like...Like he can't even breathe without me. I want him to be happy, and I could only think of one way to do that. God, i know I already said it, but I really fucked up this time. It's going to take years for her to fully forgive me, if at all. She said she forgives me, but can't really trust me. For a long time. i can never talk to Jonathan again, which I'm okay with...to an extent. I actually miss him. Before the big fuck-up, we had truly started to be best friends. I felt like i could talk to him about anything. Now that's gone...But it wasn't all my fault. Kayla's really mad at him because he took advantage of me. She said that he knows who I am, the type of person I am, and I would do anything to make a friend happy. "All your friends know how fragile you are...and he took advantage of that, Amber. That's not okay." That's what she told me.

I hope things get better.....