This was actually written November 28th at 9:22 pm. I e-mailed it to myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore! Sometimes, I miss Jonathan. I miss the constant affection, the undying love, having someone always be around. He walked me to my car after school today, and I almost kissed him...
BUT NO! I am so very much in love with Kellie!!! When I think about leaving her, even for a little while...I started crying just a moment ago, and that's why I started writing.
I broke up with her once. She said that she was going to kill herself, and if someone stopped her, she would just move to Maryland and I would never see her ever again. I want to be with her, I do! I'm just so afraid of hurtng her. I want so much in life, and I can't have all of it, and that KILLS me, I don't understand why! Most people would feel so blessed to have someone like Kellie in his or her life, someone so unconditionally in love, so giving, so affectionate, so perfect.
But i've never been good at "long-distance", even if she is down the street. I miss seeing her, miss her holding me. I want her back, and I haven't stopped thinking so negatively since this whole thing happened. I didn't think about kissing Jonathan, being with him instead. The things he tells me don't help either. About how half the time, he can't stand Leeanne, and sometimes he imagines me just so they can be physical "to make her happy".
I just want my baby back, the way things used to be, when i wasn't so scared all the time...
PS--Bethany, I know you read this. Part of me is thinking that I'm an idiot for telling anyone the URL. but pleasepleaseplease, I'm trusting you with every ounce of trust I have. Don't disappoint me...
3 comments:
Child, I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise. Not a soul.
I can understand feeling like you do. When I was with Larry, it was almost like a "long distance" relationship, despite the fact that he didn't even like, 15 minutes away. It was hard, so I understand wanting someone who is around constantly to be there for you. Maybe that's why you are thinking about Johnathan, you see him nearly every single day, so he's more "avaible", if you will. And I do think that you're lucky to have someone like Kellie, I havn't know her for long, nor do I know her well, but she does love you with no bound. Johnathan more or less......worships you. I don't truly think that there is any sort of love aspect to it. I don't really care for LeeAnne, but I pity her, I do. She dosen't deserve to be lead on by Johnathan.
I know you love Kellie, and as you read in my lame little gift, I wish you two the best, sincerely I do. You don't need to be scared, you love her, and it's reciprocated.(oooohhh, big word.)
How in the world did you manage to spell the word "reciprocated"? I'm so proud of you. XD
I never really know about Jonathan. He confuses me so much, and I hate it!!!! And Leeanne definitely deserves someone that actually loves her. I feel like a bitch, but she...she isn't smart enough to hold jonathan's interest. She's very nice, but the girl is a dull lightbulb.
When I want fun, i mean i want to flirt and make out with random people and be an absolute fool. I don't know why...I'm just another silly girl, I think.
Ah well. Things will figure themselves out. Thanks for you opinion. It helped. :-D
I'm going to get you for the first comment jiggle butt.
A little flirting with people if no big deal when you're in a relationship, as long as it's harmless. As for the making out thing, I don't know about that. Even if you weren't in a relationship, if you just have a few random wild nights, feelings, most likely yours, are bound to get hurt.
And I know what you mean about LeeAnne, nice girl and all, but kinda...deedeede.....at times.
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