Wow. Um. I don't know if I can post this, or if I'm willing...
Kellie proposed to me Friday night. Of course, I said yes. I love her. I really do want to be with her. We'll reach 1 year in about a month. A lot of people say that I'm jumping into this too fast, and I probably am. I know this. But whatever happened to "live for the moment"? Right now, this moment, I want to spend my life with her. I love her so much, and she's done so much just to make me happy. We had reached the point about 2 months ago where I finally had to tell her, "I'm not happy, Kellie." So she changed. She got an anger management teacher whom she could call whenever she needed to so that when we fought, she would know how to cope and calm down instead of yelling at me. It was the fighting that made me miserable, but we've fixed it a great deal.
Here's the problem. I like to be needed. Jonathan makes me feel needed. So...i really fucked up. I let him do something that came VERYVERYVERY close to making kellie leave me...It was the worst possible thing I could ever do...I hurt myself, i will admit. The first time in about 5 months. But I did. Please don't tell. I'm a million times better right now than I was before, honestly. I'm okay. But she wants to keep doing this. She wants to stay with me, and that means more than I ever thought it could. I would die for that girl, and I know she loves me. I told her that I want her to make me feel more needed. Jonathan always makes me feel like...Like he can't even breathe without me. I want him to be happy, and I could only think of one way to do that. God, i know I already said it, but I really fucked up this time. It's going to take years for her to fully forgive me, if at all. She said she forgives me, but can't really trust me. For a long time. i can never talk to Jonathan again, which I'm okay with...to an extent. I actually miss him. Before the big fuck-up, we had truly started to be best friends. I felt like i could talk to him about anything. Now that's gone...But it wasn't all my fault. Kayla's really mad at him because he took advantage of me. She said that he knows who I am, the type of person I am, and I would do anything to make a friend happy. "All your friends know how fragile you are...and he took advantage of that, Amber. That's not okay." That's what she told me.
I hope things get better.....
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Self-Assessment #1
I've been spending a lot of my class time working on my Senior Project. I have officially typed up every single poem i have ever written, which took seventy-two years, but I'm finally done. I'm going to print them all up for my Product, which is a portf0lio of all my stuff. Plus, typing all of them gave me the idea to print up these poems for Graduation gifts to my friends. I'm also writing more modernized poems for those people, so they know how i feel about them now, if that makes any sense. I wrote one for my mom too.
I've also been focusing a lot on that Book Publishing book that will (hopefully) give me necessary info to find a place in that industry. It actually makes me really excited - it includes info on internships and the like.
I want to focus on writing new things. I've been slacking some days because I've been writing my Senior Project paper, and now that I've flubbed up and have to write the whole thing over again, that will most likely keep my focus yet again. I need to do more promo for Ink'd Unknown as well as brainstorm some ideas for my lesson.
I've been speculating, trying to come up with ideas for my portfolio theme. I'm seriously considering angels, like Warrior angels (for war poetry), dark angels (for the sad stuff), and things like that. That's one reason why I want YOU MISS PERSON to get www.deviantart.com unblocked for me, so I can get the pictures. I also wrote a "shadow self" poem in the 10th grade that was written over a picture of an angel that I've always been fond of. I'm tempted to do another "Goddess" theme, but I already did that, and it would be boring for both of us if I did it again. I was totally proud of myself for that, though! :-)
I'm still kind of iffy on the whole "30 minute reading" thing...I don't want anyone to go!!! I could always "invite people" and pretend to be disappointed when no one shows...You'll never know... :-)
I've also been focusing a lot on that Book Publishing book that will (hopefully) give me necessary info to find a place in that industry. It actually makes me really excited - it includes info on internships and the like.
I want to focus on writing new things. I've been slacking some days because I've been writing my Senior Project paper, and now that I've flubbed up and have to write the whole thing over again, that will most likely keep my focus yet again. I need to do more promo for Ink'd Unknown as well as brainstorm some ideas for my lesson.
I've been speculating, trying to come up with ideas for my portfolio theme. I'm seriously considering angels, like Warrior angels (for war poetry), dark angels (for the sad stuff), and things like that. That's one reason why I want YOU MISS PERSON to get www.deviantart.com unblocked for me, so I can get the pictures. I also wrote a "shadow self" poem in the 10th grade that was written over a picture of an angel that I've always been fond of. I'm tempted to do another "Goddess" theme, but I already did that, and it would be boring for both of us if I did it again. I was totally proud of myself for that, though! :-)
I'm still kind of iffy on the whole "30 minute reading" thing...I don't want anyone to go!!! I could always "invite people" and pretend to be disappointed when no one shows...You'll never know... :-)
Monday, February 11, 2008
I Hate Everything About You.
Joy of joys, can't get enough of the drama in my life. Thursday night was frustrating because at the last minute, Sydney canceled and decided to not go on the trip to the Holocaust museum. I was pretty pissed, because she's always skipping out on me like that. So Kayla went with me instead.
We actually had a really good time on Friday. I feel like Kayla and I reached a new connection level. I mean, she cried at the Vietnam Wall, and I never thought anyone but me would do that among my friends. There was a sweet elderly lady that stopped by me when I did a rubbing of Dewey Allen's name. She asked if I had a name, and when I said yes, she had such a quavering voice as she said, "God bless you, sweetheart, and the sacrifice made."It was so beautiful, and it meant a lot to me. Kayla and I took about a million and a half pictures, which was oodles of fun. XD The museum was really touching for her as well. It was nice sharing that experience with someone. She really cared, which was a good change from all the immature children there.
I was ready to KILL those children. One kid kept jumping in the pool at the WWII memorial, which pissed me off because there were signs and everything. I kind of looked at him and said, "Can't you read?! Stay out of the pool!" Then I told Mrs. Blume. XD I know, it was petty, and I'm probably considered the Senior Snitch, but my Daddy taught me thorough respect for such things as that, and it was simply unacceptable to me. Some boy was whistling the Viagra commercial in the museum too, which was annoying as hell. The biggest thing for me, though, was when we were all crossing the street. An ambulance, with sirens on, was coming down the street. So all the sophomores thought it made perfect sense to run in front of it!!!! It actually had to STOP for a full minute, waiting for all those kids to get across, and they were pretty livid. Kayla, some adult, and I were the only ones who stopped. Man, I would have run them over. That's illegal, not to mention impeding to saving a life.
Saturday night, Kayla, Allie, and I all went ice skating. Allie and Ian broke up (finally), so we were trying to cheer her up. Jonathan, Nate, and LeeAnne (plus her family) were all there too. Yes, I knew, but that's not why I went. I actually had a really good time. It was hilarious to watch Jonathan bust his ass, plus Kayla falling into someone every three seconds. XD If Nathaniel wasn't 13, he'd be really cute with Kayla. Too young though!
Sunday was a big disappointment. I was supposed to go see a movie with Kellie, Kayla, and Sydney. But Kayla got all emotional, babbling about how it's almost Valentine's Day and she's depressed and blah. So she went to go hang out with Lee, and Sydney got angry because I didn't have a car so I couldn't drive myself home. She didn't go to Kellie's at all, just dropped me off. We tried to watch a movie, but things got...bad. I accidentally saved a draft to Jonathan, saying I wanted him to be my first if Kellie and I didn't work out...She found it. I spent half an hour begging her to NOT make me choose, because I made a promise to myself that if I had to choose, I would choose my friends and not her. She finally agreed that I get one more chance. I completely understand - I don't even deserve that. God, I really love her. I lost my promise ring way back and we couldn't find it, but she finally found it at a store on Saturday!! That sucker is back on my finger, and it's like it never left.
What makes me saddest about that text she found is when she said, "And to think I was going to propose to you in four days..." God, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die....I love her so much, and I want to be with her forever. I've never meant it more. We have our petty arguments, but we've been doing really well lately...
Danielle got kicked out of her house. She is currently living with Kellie. There's no counting how longI cried over that. Last night around 4am, she tried to crawl in bed with Kellie. So Kellie got out of the bed. I swear to God, if she tries that again, I will most certainly have something to say. Don't doubt me for a moment.
We actually had a really good time on Friday. I feel like Kayla and I reached a new connection level. I mean, she cried at the Vietnam Wall, and I never thought anyone but me would do that among my friends. There was a sweet elderly lady that stopped by me when I did a rubbing of Dewey Allen's name. She asked if I had a name, and when I said yes, she had such a quavering voice as she said, "God bless you, sweetheart, and the sacrifice made."It was so beautiful, and it meant a lot to me. Kayla and I took about a million and a half pictures, which was oodles of fun. XD The museum was really touching for her as well. It was nice sharing that experience with someone. She really cared, which was a good change from all the immature children there.
I was ready to KILL those children. One kid kept jumping in the pool at the WWII memorial, which pissed me off because there were signs and everything. I kind of looked at him and said, "Can't you read?! Stay out of the pool!" Then I told Mrs. Blume. XD I know, it was petty, and I'm probably considered the Senior Snitch, but my Daddy taught me thorough respect for such things as that, and it was simply unacceptable to me. Some boy was whistling the Viagra commercial in the museum too, which was annoying as hell. The biggest thing for me, though, was when we were all crossing the street. An ambulance, with sirens on, was coming down the street. So all the sophomores thought it made perfect sense to run in front of it!!!! It actually had to STOP for a full minute, waiting for all those kids to get across, and they were pretty livid. Kayla, some adult, and I were the only ones who stopped. Man, I would have run them over. That's illegal, not to mention impeding to saving a life.
Saturday night, Kayla, Allie, and I all went ice skating. Allie and Ian broke up (finally), so we were trying to cheer her up. Jonathan, Nate, and LeeAnne (plus her family) were all there too. Yes, I knew, but that's not why I went. I actually had a really good time. It was hilarious to watch Jonathan bust his ass, plus Kayla falling into someone every three seconds. XD If Nathaniel wasn't 13, he'd be really cute with Kayla. Too young though!
Sunday was a big disappointment. I was supposed to go see a movie with Kellie, Kayla, and Sydney. But Kayla got all emotional, babbling about how it's almost Valentine's Day and she's depressed and blah. So she went to go hang out with Lee, and Sydney got angry because I didn't have a car so I couldn't drive myself home. She didn't go to Kellie's at all, just dropped me off. We tried to watch a movie, but things got...bad. I accidentally saved a draft to Jonathan, saying I wanted him to be my first if Kellie and I didn't work out...She found it. I spent half an hour begging her to NOT make me choose, because I made a promise to myself that if I had to choose, I would choose my friends and not her. She finally agreed that I get one more chance. I completely understand - I don't even deserve that. God, I really love her. I lost my promise ring way back and we couldn't find it, but she finally found it at a store on Saturday!! That sucker is back on my finger, and it's like it never left.
What makes me saddest about that text she found is when she said, "And to think I was going to propose to you in four days..." God, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die....I love her so much, and I want to be with her forever. I've never meant it more. We have our petty arguments, but we've been doing really well lately...
Danielle got kicked out of her house. She is currently living with Kellie. There's no counting how longI cried over that. Last night around 4am, she tried to crawl in bed with Kellie. So Kellie got out of the bed. I swear to God, if she tries that again, I will most certainly have something to say. Don't doubt me for a moment.
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