It's a new semester, but I can barely feel it. I'm in second bell right now, which is my Independent study with Miss Person. God, I hope these sophomores won't be in here every day! They're sooooo loud and obnoxious, and I can't even hear myself type, which sucks because i love that noise.
Things have been so crazy-hectic lately. Kellie and I kind of broke up, but we got back together 15 minutes later. We took a few days not speaking except for a goodnight so we could think about things and what we need to fix. I have to start letting her hang out with Danielle. She's lonely and has no other friends, and I feel like a total bitch for acting so jealous...So yeah. She can hang out with Danielle, i can hang out with Jonathan. But always with a third party, and never on the "same surface" (i.e. couch or chair). God, i hope this works.
I'm scared that I act like that story we read in AP...The story about the woman whose husband dies in a train accident, and at first she's depressed and crying...But then she realizes that she's free.......Then turns out, he didn't die, so she dies of a heart attack when she sees him.
That obviously makes me a shit girlfriend, but i always have been one, so it doesn't matter, does it?
I wrote a new poem and put it on dA, so I guess I'll post it here, too. i'm actually really proud of it. :-)
Broken on the Bricks
January 10, 2008 10:31 pm
Poor little china doll,
shattered on the bricks.
There’s not enough love for you –
impossible to fix.
Even a broken heart
with cracks in one brown eye
can see the truth for what it is,
can ease the urge to cry.
Poor little china doll,
who left you void of grace?
Who couldn’t find that perfect girl
no other could replace?
When the villains of this love song
realize what they’ve done,
your precious porcelain will be dust,
faded with the sun.
Poor little china doll,
take comfort in the thought
that no one knows the real from false,
and love is all for naught.
Recall with fondness all who cared
(though the names are few).
This is the death of beauty –
this is the last of you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
ugly meanings in the things i find beautiful
There's this great band called The Hush Sound, and I really really love them....They have a few songs I truly adore, but this one is my favorite.
The Artist
I know that you’re an artist,
but you’re the hardest one to deal with.
Everything that you conceal
is revealed on your canvas.
You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful.
Do you see the fall is coming?
Come, I’m falling into you.
You perceive all of these things
I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.
You painted me in pastel,
colors that don’t tell of any boldness.
That’s the way you’d love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.
But your eyes are drawn of charcoal
they’re black, they’re so cold, they’re so imperfect.
Because they see a sleeping world,
where waking isn’t worth it.
You perceive all of these things
that I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.........
The Artist
I know that you’re an artist,
but you’re the hardest one to deal with.
Everything that you conceal
is revealed on your canvas.
You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful.
Do you see the fall is coming?
Come, I’m falling into you.
You perceive all of these things
I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.
You painted me in pastel,
colors that don’t tell of any boldness.
That’s the way you’d love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.
But your eyes are drawn of charcoal
they’re black, they’re so cold, they’re so imperfect.
Because they see a sleeping world,
where waking isn’t worth it.
You perceive all of these things
that I’d never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We’re already home.........
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters.....
Looking for a really freaky, yet really amazing song??? Go for this.
I will have it on a CD as soon as I possibly can.
THE DECEMBERISTS LYRICS
"The Mariner's Revenge Song"
We are two mariners
Our ship's sole survivors
In this belly of a whale
It's ribs are ceiling beams
It's guts are carpeting
I guess we have some time to kill
You may not remember me
I was a child of three
And you, a lad of eighteen
But, I remember you
And I will relate to you
How our histories interweave
At the time you were
A rake and a roustabout
Spending all your money
On the whores and hounds
(oh, oh)
You had a charming air
All cheap and debonair
My widowed mother found so sweet
And so she took you in
Her sheets still warm with him
Now filled with filth and foul disease
As time wore on you proved
A debt-ridden drunken mess
Leaving my mother
A poor consumptive wretch
(oh, oh)
And then you disappeared
Your gambling arrears
The only thing you left behind
And then the magistrate
Reclaimed our small estate
And my poor mother lost her mind
Then, one day in spring
My dear sweet mother died
But, before she did
I took her hand as she, dying, cried:
(oh, oh)
"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave"
It took me fifteen years
To swallow all my tears
Among the urchins in the street
Until a priory
Took pity and hired me
To keep their vestry nice and neat
But, never once in the employ
Of these holy men
Did I ever, once turn my mind
From the thought of revenge
(oh, oh)
One night I overheard
The prior exchanging words
With a penitent whaler from the sea
The captain of his ship
Who matched you toe to tip
Was known for wanton cruelty
The following day
I shipped to sea
With a privateer
And in the whistle
Of the wind
I could almost hear
(oh, oh)
"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave
There is one thing I must say to you
As you sail across the sea
Always, your mother will watch over you
As you avenge this wicked deed"
And then, that fateful night
We had you in our sight
After twenty months at sea
Your starboard flank abeam
I was getting my muskets clean
When came this rumbling from beneath
The ocean shook
The sky went black
And the captain quailed
And before us grew
The angry jaws
Of a giant whale
(oh..)
Don't know how I survived
The crew all was chewed alive
I must have slipped between his teeth
But, oh, what providence
What divine intelligence
That you should survive
As well as me
It gives my heart great joy
To see your eyes fill with fear
So lean in close
And I will whisper
The last words you'll hear
(oh, oh)
I will have it on a CD as soon as I possibly can.
THE DECEMBERISTS LYRICS
"The Mariner's Revenge Song"
We are two mariners
Our ship's sole survivors
In this belly of a whale
It's ribs are ceiling beams
It's guts are carpeting
I guess we have some time to kill
You may not remember me
I was a child of three
And you, a lad of eighteen
But, I remember you
And I will relate to you
How our histories interweave
At the time you were
A rake and a roustabout
Spending all your money
On the whores and hounds
(oh, oh)
You had a charming air
All cheap and debonair
My widowed mother found so sweet
And so she took you in
Her sheets still warm with him
Now filled with filth and foul disease
As time wore on you proved
A debt-ridden drunken mess
Leaving my mother
A poor consumptive wretch
(oh, oh)
And then you disappeared
Your gambling arrears
The only thing you left behind
And then the magistrate
Reclaimed our small estate
And my poor mother lost her mind
Then, one day in spring
My dear sweet mother died
But, before she did
I took her hand as she, dying, cried:
(oh, oh)
"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave"
It took me fifteen years
To swallow all my tears
Among the urchins in the street
Until a priory
Took pity and hired me
To keep their vestry nice and neat
But, never once in the employ
Of these holy men
Did I ever, once turn my mind
From the thought of revenge
(oh, oh)
One night I overheard
The prior exchanging words
With a penitent whaler from the sea
The captain of his ship
Who matched you toe to tip
Was known for wanton cruelty
The following day
I shipped to sea
With a privateer
And in the whistle
Of the wind
I could almost hear
(oh, oh)
"Find him, Bind him
Tie him to a pole and break
His fingers to splinters
Drag him to a hole until he
Wakes up naked
Clawing at the ceiling
Of his grave
There is one thing I must say to you
As you sail across the sea
Always, your mother will watch over you
As you avenge this wicked deed"
And then, that fateful night
We had you in our sight
After twenty months at sea
Your starboard flank abeam
I was getting my muskets clean
When came this rumbling from beneath
The ocean shook
The sky went black
And the captain quailed
And before us grew
The angry jaws
Of a giant whale
(oh..)
Don't know how I survived
The crew all was chewed alive
I must have slipped between his teeth
But, oh, what providence
What divine intelligence
That you should survive
As well as me
It gives my heart great joy
To see your eyes fill with fear
So lean in close
And I will whisper
The last words you'll hear
(oh, oh)
Give It Up
I'm at the point where I would give ANYTHING to tell my parents about Kellie and me. I've prepared a million speeches, written a million mental letters. I just want to get it over with!! All I can think is that, if they know the truth, maybe they'll treat her as if she were a boyfriend. I'll be able to hang out with her, let us go on dates. I know we couldn't spend the night together anymore, but I'm honestly okay with that.
But....Kellie thinks that the opposite will happen. They'll never let me see her anymore, and they'll be even more strict on me than they are now, and we'll NEVER get to see each other...I could never bear that. I honestly couldn't. I need her, I love her so very much. She's my one...
God, I hope I can figure it out sometime soon................
But....Kellie thinks that the opposite will happen. They'll never let me see her anymore, and they'll be even more strict on me than they are now, and we'll NEVER get to see each other...I could never bear that. I honestly couldn't. I need her, I love her so very much. She's my one...
God, I hope I can figure it out sometime soon................
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