Existence

That title makes this post seem a lot more philosophical than it's going to be. I'm not one for deep thought - well, I am, but mostly it's deep thought into emotions and such, not so much the meaning of life.

I feel like I'm just existing day by day. There are a million things that I need to do, so I do them. There to used to be double that amount of things I wanted to do...but not anymore, for some reason. All I want to do is finish my homework, do well in my classes, and sleep....Plus see Kellie. God, I miss her so much. Ever since Mama and Daddy have "forbidden" me from seeing her...Everything hurts so much worse than it should. I see her for a random five or ten minutes a day, if I'm lucky, which isn't often. Then at night, she wants to talk on the phone, but I can't because I have school the next day. It's ridiculous.

Logic tells me that I should leave...But my heart won't let me. I know that I should take care of myself first and foremost, have my future set as far in stone as I can. But...I love her. So much. Part of me wants to live a little bit before I tie myself down. It's like..I know that I want to spend my life with her. But I'm not ready to start that life yet. That doesn't make any sense, I know. Maybe I'm just being selfish by wanting to have a little fun before I dedicate my forever to someone else. Or maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to let her go...I would want her to wait for me, but I could never expect that of anyone.

I like to tell myself that life is just like a book or a movie, and that if we are separated for some amount of time, the two of us will see other people and lead good lives, but eventually, we'll find each other again and spend the rest of our lives together. The cynical part of me, though, tells me that this romantic fantasy is pretty off-base. If I let her go, I better be prepared to say goodbye for good, because she deserves a million times better than some girl who wants to have at least a few years of party time without being in a relationship with her. She's perfect...She's everything I ever wanted. But that doesn't count for much anymore, does it? Us kids, we want it all - a good time as well as a storybook romance. I know that in the end, I will have to pick just one...But why can't I have both? Just let me blow off a few years of ignorance and frivolity, and then ask me to marry you! She's already ordered my engagement ring...I feel trapped, like there's no way I could tell her no. I really do want to be with her, you know. I just don't want to just yet....

Lord, please let me figure myself out...