Goodbye My Lover

I don't even know how to write any of this. I have been avoiding the situation entirely, as much as I need to think things through. My life is......nothing I even vaguely understand.

I've been doing so much self-speculation lately. But...maybe I'm OVERthinking things...I have no idea what I want anymore, or if i want everything, or nothing, or something. It's all just a deep blur.

I reached a general conclusion that that I'm straight. I couldn't just...lead Kellie on. So I told her. I told her Sunday, the day we set aside for both of us to work on our relationship.......I took her home afterwards, and she just cried...So hard, for so long. It hurt me to see those tears roll down her face. I wanted to hold her and take it back, say I didn't mean it...But I don't know what I mean anymore. i don't know who I am, if I love her the way she needs me to. I'm at the point where I haven't the slightest idea what I want out of life.

I started a list of reasons to stay with her, and reasons to leave her. I'm still at a loss for what I should do. I don't know what is my head and what is my heart - the voices combine together and leave me even more confused than when i started. She's given me until March 21st to decide. This is the first day of Spring Break, and if I don't choose her, she will be going back to Maryland that week. God, I don't want her to leave....Or do I?? I have no idea what I want!!!!!!

I've been spending a loty of time with Jonathan lately. I think I want to be with him at times, but other times I can't stand the idea. Why does nothing make sense anymore? I'm starting to miss the "good ol' days" when no one even looked in my direction, let alone loved me...

Dear Lord, please let me make sense of my life...