This was actually written November 28th at 9:22 pm. I e-mailed it to myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore! Sometimes, I miss Jonathan. I miss the constant affection, the undying love, having someone always be around. He walked me to my car after school today, and I almost kissed him...

BUT NO! I am so very much in love with Kellie!!! When I think about leaving her, even for a little while...I started crying just a moment ago, and that's why I started writing.

I broke up with her once. She said that she was going to kill herself, and if someone stopped her, she would just move to Maryland and I would never see her ever again. I want to be with her, I do! I'm just so afraid of hurtng her. I want so much in life, and I can't have all of it, and that KILLS me, I don't understand why! Most people would feel so blessed to have someone like Kellie in his or her life, someone so unconditionally in love, so giving, so affectionate, so perfect.

But i've never been good at "long-distance", even if she is down the street. I miss seeing her, miss her holding me. I want her back, and I haven't stopped thinking so negatively since this whole thing happened. I didn't think about kissing Jonathan, being with him instead. The things he tells me don't help either. About how half the time, he can't stand Leeanne, and sometimes he imagines me just so they can be physical "to make her happy".

I just want my baby back, the way things used to be, when i wasn't so scared all the time...




PS--Bethany, I know you read this. Part of me is thinking that I'm an idiot for telling anyone the URL. but pleasepleaseplease, I'm trusting you with every ounce of trust I have. Don't disappoint me...

Existence

That title makes this post seem a lot more philosophical than it's going to be. I'm not one for deep thought - well, I am, but mostly it's deep thought into emotions and such, not so much the meaning of life.

I feel like I'm just existing day by day. There are a million things that I need to do, so I do them. There to used to be double that amount of things I wanted to do...but not anymore, for some reason. All I want to do is finish my homework, do well in my classes, and sleep....Plus see Kellie. God, I miss her so much. Ever since Mama and Daddy have "forbidden" me from seeing her...Everything hurts so much worse than it should. I see her for a random five or ten minutes a day, if I'm lucky, which isn't often. Then at night, she wants to talk on the phone, but I can't because I have school the next day. It's ridiculous.

Logic tells me that I should leave...But my heart won't let me. I know that I should take care of myself first and foremost, have my future set as far in stone as I can. But...I love her. So much. Part of me wants to live a little bit before I tie myself down. It's like..I know that I want to spend my life with her. But I'm not ready to start that life yet. That doesn't make any sense, I know. Maybe I'm just being selfish by wanting to have a little fun before I dedicate my forever to someone else. Or maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to let her go...I would want her to wait for me, but I could never expect that of anyone.

I like to tell myself that life is just like a book or a movie, and that if we are separated for some amount of time, the two of us will see other people and lead good lives, but eventually, we'll find each other again and spend the rest of our lives together. The cynical part of me, though, tells me that this romantic fantasy is pretty off-base. If I let her go, I better be prepared to say goodbye for good, because she deserves a million times better than some girl who wants to have at least a few years of party time without being in a relationship with her. She's perfect...She's everything I ever wanted. But that doesn't count for much anymore, does it? Us kids, we want it all - a good time as well as a storybook romance. I know that in the end, I will have to pick just one...But why can't I have both? Just let me blow off a few years of ignorance and frivolity, and then ask me to marry you! She's already ordered my engagement ring...I feel trapped, like there's no way I could tell her no. I really do want to be with her, you know. I just don't want to just yet....

Lord, please let me figure myself out...

Fear

I'm kind of afraid to start a blog. I mean, if I tell any of my friends, they'll automatically want to know the URL, and then they'll read it as often as they remember.

Thing is, if that happens, I'll never be able to be honest again...I will have to watch every word I type so that no one gets offended or hurt. That kind of defeats the purpose of a blog, doesn't it?

I don't know what to do with this yet. Maybe it'll just be my writing, or maybe I'll only tell a select few about it....Who knows?

I'll update you once I figure it out.